First Time Mom

I always knew I could be a great mom! I obviously did not know what was expected of me.
The first few days of Jared's life was in the hospital because he was born with jaundice and his level of jaundice kept going up. The reason for that is because Jared and I have different blood type.
I felt guilty, I hated being the reason why my baby kept getting poked with needles! Jared did latch immediately but sadly my milk supply was very low. That broke me down! I couldn't do the most important thing for my son, which was feed him. I cried and cried because nothing was working for him! After the third day they told us we could leave, but we had a follow up with his pediatrician. I was excited to go home and sleep in my bed and not having nagging nurses make me feel like a crappy mother because I couldn't breastfeed my son. Seriously they should have been much more nicer with that! After we got home I tried to feed him and nothing was coming out, I took a really hot shower so my milk supply could increase and it didn't work. I pumped and wouldn't even get 1 oz. After a while we had to get him formula. I was so against it that every time I would give him a bottle I cried. I would hand him over to my mom and break down, it was literally hurting me so much that I couldn't breastfeed my son! Justin was so amazing with me, he would hug me and tell me that it was okay, even if he didn't know how I felt he made me feel better! He helped me get through that! I was in a dark place! I felt broken, I felt like I was useless because I couldn't do the one thing I was meant to do! It was such a horrible feeling! After a week of pumping I was starting to make 1 oz. That made me so happy! But that didn't last long. It stopped so I gave up. I was a failure. Than my husbands cousin Jessica told me about some pills that would help, and they really did help a lot! I was finally breastfeeding my son, it brought so much joy in my heart. We did that for maybe two weeks after that he decided he no longer wanted breast milk, but I was okay with that. I had my two weeks with him and it was better than nothing! Sometimes I still get a little depressed but I'm better at forgetting about it now.